I Don’t Know What To Do

I have long considered myself some version of trans (I would definitely say more towards being a non-binary transfeminine person) but I feel like I am lost at this point.

I have been on HRT a variety of times: the first time was 100 mg of spiro with at first, 1 0.05 mg of e patch followed by a .1 patch (still single). While there was a sense of finally just being able to move on from dysphoria, a slew of issues including massive dehydration, brain fog, uncomfortable weight gain (was also on Zoloft), all of which interfered with my life to the point that when I lost my insurance and couldn’t do HRT anymore, I was relieved to at least not having to do spiro anymore.

Then, I waited too long and remasculated, which alongside long COVID made me feel like COMPLETE shit. I felt like I couldn’t think, my face felt like razor blade sharp, and I just felt stressed all the time due to gender dysphoria.

Nearly a year later, like 11 months at this point, I got back on E (starting with a 4 mg shot (I think)). I immediately felt insane calmness and relaxation. I felt normal, less unhinged, great sexual function that felt right, yet I also felt like it was hard to focus like I want to and over the course of a couple days I started feeling SUPER lightheaded like I was going to pass out. At the point I was also on 200 mg Wellbutrin to help me stay ALERT from long Covid and dysphoria. I even got a really bad migraine as I was coming down.

After a week of that, I went back on patches and this time small dose spiro. It felt better. Then I increased dosage with two patches. Long story short, it was alright but whenever I was off the patches, I would feel a lot more focus and energetic, sometimes way more competent to do the things that I love, despite the fact that I really didn’t want to masculine my body. Then, in November, I went up to three 0.1 patches. I definitely think this increased my E (at the time in October it was only at 79 compared to 125 testosterone). I felt very much at peace albeit at a certain point I felt like my laziness got worse, which made it hard to do the projects that I really wanted to do. I ultimately went off the 25 - 75 mg of spiro in January and just did mono therapy with three patches. I found that doing one on my genitals made me feel increase in E symptoms, some VERY positive albeit with the three patches I felt like I couldn’t focus very well, got distracted very easily, and got nothing done. So then I tried just doing one patch on genitals only (I had already done this but had two other patches placed elsewhere on buttocks or abdomen).

Now I’m off. There’s a lot to unpackage but today I definitely feel more cognitive in doing the things that I want to do, feeling a drive to do them, but I am SUPER irritable and I feel like sometimes I have razor blades in my chest due to the emotional pain of having to detransition. I really am not sure how to move forward, especially since I’m in the closet except to certain people, I feel like I have to be tough to survive, and I really want to continue feminization.

I figured I should go here to see if anyone had any suggestions since this place feels like it might have more insight into this kind of medicine. My doc won’t do bicalutamide and suggested doing Lupron once I have higher e. I can’t see him until next month. I need to also start stockpiling but I also have had fluctuating thoughts about my hormones.